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Give it all to God

It’s time that I be honest and transparent. Recently I have been struggling in many areas of my life. On the outside everything is great so far. I love the race, I love my squad, I love meeting new people, I love the ministry, and I love the simplicity. I have loved and enjoyed so many things that I have experienced so far. But on the inside I feel like I am falling apart. Ever since I started the race I have been so anxious. I have been comparing myself to others and doubting my own capabilities more than ever. To be honest it has been extremely frustrating. I have been a believer for just about my whole life. I know God and I know how good he is but let’s just say I have been in a tough season right now personally. 

 

Over the past few months I have been scared to use my voice. When I get around people I shut down. I am nervous to share what I have been experiencing with God. I look at my teammates and wish that I was like them. I hear their prayers and wish I could pray like that. I pick myself apart and think of all of the reasons why I am not good enough. I overthink everything and even sometimes question if I am even capable of doing something like the world race. Even before the race I would look at other people and wish I had their life or wish I was prettier or smarter. I have been living in this box of lies that has held me back from being who God has created me to be. My brain has been filled with different ways I can fix my situation. I pray and ask God to fix my issues so I can feel more comfortable. But the truth is that has only left me more exhausted. I have realized I need to stop trying to achieve a change in circumstance and rather change my perspective. What I mean by this is that I need to change from my perspective to Gods. 

 

This past week we have been in Antigua staying at a hostel for our first debrief. Our third night here my squad mentor Cami spoke to us about the idea of refinement. This really spoke to me because I realized that I have a lot of things that I need God to burn away in me. After we heard the message we were given the opportunity to write down things we want refinement in and then burn the paper to symbolize that decision. I was all ready to share what I had been thinking but that overwhelming feeling of anxiety practically paralyzed me and I ended up staying quiet. It’s been a couple days since then. As I sit here writing this blog I can’t help but be ashamed of how many times I have let the enemy silence me. But I am ready to change that.  

 

I guess you could say I wrote this blog basically for two reasons. For one, it is sometimes easier to be vulnerable through writing rather than speaking aloud. And two I want to be transparent and show that not everything has been all smiles and rainbows for me. If you know me I am usually the person who holds everything in just to pretend that everything is okay. I am that person who puts on a smile because I don’t want to bother people with my feelings. And that is why God is so good. Yes, I have been anxious and these are things that I am working through currently. But each day God continues to whisper to me “you are enough”. When I am weak he makes me strong. He is a God who wants to listen to all of my feelings, fears and anxieties. He is a God who loves me more than I could ever imagine. This whole time I have been so wrapped up in seeking man’s approval that I have forgotten God is the only one that I should be looking to. It is time that I stop giving the enemy so much control over my life and rather let God be the one who I give control to. I want this year to be a year of growth. A time where I strengthen my walk with God. Not a year where I shut down every time he needs me to be strong. 

 

I am ready to surrender these fears and anxieties to him. I am ready to lay down in the fire and let him refine me in ways I could never even imagine. I want to give it all to God. This is going to be a tough and very uncomfortable year but it is moments like this where God shapes us into a greater reflection of who He is. 

 

Psalms 94: 17-19 “If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, “My foot slips,” your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul”. 


6 Comments

  1. Daliah why do you degrade yourself. You are a strong beautiful girl with so much faith in the Lord. Keep strong. I will pray for you to overcome these feelings.

  2. Daliah, if nothing else, I appreciate your honesty. I am in awe of what God is doing in your life. You have the opportunity of a lifetime. In my own way, I am green with envy. You are wise beyond your years. Continue to walk where He leads you. I love you so much. Reading your blogs has been inspiring, but also a challenge to me because I have been slacking off.

  3. Many prayers for your continued refinement. I look forward to hearing your voice loud & proud as you continue on this incredible journey.??????

  4. I’m so proud of you sweetie. It took a great deal of courage to confess your feelings. You are growing in your faith . As you press on towards the “mark” those feelings of doubt , shame, fear, inadequacy etc…. Will all disappear . I challenge you to walk boldly in the presence of the Lord. This is your season . Continue to be great , ????????Love you and miss you so much . Mom

  5. Daliah,
    You are a beautiful young lady that God is using to build his Kingdom. I am so proud of the young lady I have watch blossom into a beautiful butterfly. Anything you do for God will last. You know you don’t always have to speak, people watch and read you by what you do. You are helping so many people through this journey so just continue to trust God and go through your process. Before you know it you will be speaking to so many people and not even realizing that you ever had anxiety. I believe and trust you are doing what God has you doing at this moment, everything else will come when the time is right. Praying for you.

  6. Daliah… Just being who you are brings so much light to K squad! Yes… know that your words have immense value to your community. But also know that the kindness and generosity that so freely pours out of you speaks louder than words. You love your people well… like only Daliah can. God is proud of you!
    Miss you all already.

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